Beijing Olympics 2008




	Olympic Highlights				Phelps Knee-Capped by a Jealous Lance Armstrong Miami Wife Concerned over Husband's Obsession with Female Chinese Gymnists Cleveland Wife Concerned over Husband's Obsession with Male Chinese Gymnists
Unaccustomed to the Customs: Post Olympic Correspondents Encounter Difficulties with Chinese Security
Screw This Uptight Eastern Culture		China Is Still Oppressive to Women- Even Foreign Reporters	This Has Been the Best Week Ever!
by Trip Safety ABS Sports		by Shell Davis Post D.C. Reporter	by Bethany Cook Religious Correspondent
I've been in China four days now and so far I absolutely hate it. Beijing is polluted, crowded and constantly under the watchful eye of a communist-turned-fascist regime's police state. Just getting in was an excercise in humiliation. I expected questions, x-rays and patdowns. I didn't expect to have my face photographed or the cavity search. I also didn't expect their standards when searching my luggage. They took some of my property. I don't want to go into it- You know what? Screw it. I had my favorite porno on DVD in my carry-on. I'm a 36-year-old guy who isn't going to see his new wife for two weeks. So I brought a porno. They confiscated it, citing some "standards." They put it in a blue clothe bag and said I'd get it back later. The next day a similar bag was delivered to my hotel room. I thought my DVD was going to be inside, but no- they had given me a copy of the King James Bible. In English. What kind of fucking joke is that? Are they trying to teach me morality? With Christianity? The King James version? What the Hell is that? This culture is obviously repressed, and I don't want a thing to do with it. Expect me back at ABS by this weekend, where I can cover the NFL preseason and have sex with my wife.		I came to China with an open mind, despite all of the reports you hear about the government's oppression of its citizens. I've had a terrible time here. The flight over was bad enough. I had Trip Safety hitting on me for nearly 14 hours. Didn't he get married just last year? What a slimeball. I told customs that I thought he was smuggling drugs. I hope they gave him a hard time. They were certainly hard on me. The female security guard searching my bag confiscated my dildo. Yes, that's right- I brought my vibrator to China. I'm an accomplished woman of the 21st century and you're not going to shame me into silence or infringe upon my rights. I think the guard had never seen one that large before. She kept running her little fingers up and down the thing. Then she blushed and put it in a blue clothe bag and said I'd get it back later. I said if she wanted it that badly I wouldn't be needing it back. She got angry and told me to leave. The next day the little blue bag was delivered to my room. Instead of my dildo, they sent me the most disgusting porno I've ever seen in my life: The Secret Life of P.J. Bones. The protagonist, loosely based on my boss, made his way aound the world, having sex with women of different nationalities, with toys, midgets, livestock- The point is it was sick! What kind of a joke was that? Are they calling me a whore, trying to shame me? Are they making fun of the people I work for? Do they want me to frig myself off to this garbage? It makes me worry that there are cameras in my room. Who knows what kind of sick perverts I'm dealing with. And what happened to my dildo? I'll probably see it on eBay. I can't wait to go home.	This has been the best week of my life! I feel like I've had a spiritual awakening. The people are lovely. The food is better. Colors seem brighter. The sky looks bigger. I feel closer to God than ever. I've been sleeping ten hours every night. Well, the first day was disconcerning when they confiscated my Bible at the airport. They said something about needing a special visa to do missionary work. I told them I was just here for the Olympic coverage, though I had hoped to convert a few souls. I never did get my Bible back, but let's not talk about that. I've been so busy taking in the wonderful culture! I was supposed to be commentating on handball or something, but I haven't been showing up. It is just so hard to leave these gorgeous rooms. And the room service is phenomenol...they will bring you anything. Even batteries if you need them. I've also been taking trips out to the countryside. They have some of the most beautiful farmland out here. I even found a little Christian Bible printed in Manderin. I've been trying to read my favorite passages. I haven't had much luck so far, but the inscriptions are beautiful. Anyway- Hello from China! I may never come back.
		World War III Breaks Out in Eastern Europe
Last week Russia invaded its former Soviet possession The Republic of Georgia for its valuable petroleum pipeline, though they cited some other bullshit reason. Though they weren't		allowed in NATO, Georgia still had U.S. backing because they were one of the few countries to join the "Coalition of the Willing" that invaded Iraq. In a move of desperation, Russia quickly secured alliances with Iran, North Korea, China, Pakistan and Turkey. The U.S. told England, France, Germany, Japan, India, and -well, most of the free		world- that they were on our side. Tensions are growing, now it's just a matter of time before someone overreacts and we have an extensive intercontinental ground and nuclear war, killing billions, followed by a global depression and multi-century setback- So, you know- keep an eye on that.

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